Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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