They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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