i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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