Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
