remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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