take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
