Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
