dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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