captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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