great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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