I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
