she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
