He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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