you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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