I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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