If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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