I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
