Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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