can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
