he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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