i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I know her cup size but not her name....
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
