I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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