Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
