If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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