so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
