If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize