eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
