at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
