my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
