Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
where are you?
Hypothermia
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
