the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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