Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
