At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
