Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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