I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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