I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is it because I queefed?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
