Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
