i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
