Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
