you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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