I can text with my tongue
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
