im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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