I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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