You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
