I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The air was thick with penises
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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