just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize