What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
