But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
