Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Found your dick twin last night
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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