You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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