apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize