from now on my penis is your penis
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
