I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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