If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
