I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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