I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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