I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
false alarm, still single
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