no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
