dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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