My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
