I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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